Sailing Jokes at Sailing Tips
Welcome to the Sailing Tips Sailing Jokes page, we hope you enjoy these varied and amusing Sailing Jokes. If you know of any good Sailing Jokes then why not send them to us by e-mail with 'Sailing Jokes' in the Subject Header at support@sailingtips.co.uk. Where would we be in life if we couldn't laugh about things, you can't beat some good sailing jokes
Sailing Jokes - 1
An old sailing sea dog of a captain was sitting on a bench near the harbourf when a young man walked up and sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him and so the young man asked:
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The captain replied, "Oh yes, I got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
Sailing Jokes - 2
A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper. "Do yachts like this sink very often?".
"No'', replied the skipper, "usually it's only the once!"
Sailing Jokes - 3
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's
peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end
up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape
and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin'
me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg
off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Shiver me timbers!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Sailing Jokes - 4
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted.
Sailing Jokes - 5
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a marine diesel mechanic.
So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."
Sailing Jokes - 6
An inexperienced sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, had to pay a passing fisherman fifty pounds to pull him off with his boat.
After his yacht was off the sand bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."
"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I dredge and haul sand back onto the bar."
Sailing Jokes - 7
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Sailing Jokes - 8
A guy is in a sailing yacht in the Atlantic about 20 miles off shore when a storm comes up. A large powerboat pulls up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."
The storm gets a worse. A passing life boat pulls up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."
The storm is getting terrible now - waves splash over his little boat. A Coastguard helicopter comes out hovering over the boat and drops a ladder down to the man. He waves them off, saying again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me"
The storm rages out of control, the man is swept off the boat and drowns. Being a devout man, he goes up to heaven - where he meets God. He asks of God: "I have worshipped you all my life, yet you did not save me from the storm, why?"
God replies: "Dumbass. I sent a powerboat to get you, I sent a life boat to get you, I even sent the Coastguard helicopter out to save you...."
Sailing Jokes - 9
VHF Channel 16 to US Navy Warship: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision
US Navy Warship: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision
VHF Ch 16: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.
US Navy Warship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Warship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
VHF Ch 16: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course
US Navy Warship: THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE US NAVY SIXTH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.
VHF Channel 16: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!
Sailing Jokes - 10
Sailing Jokes - 11
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the better of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left, Starboard Right.
Sailing Jokes - 12
Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."
Sailing Jokes - 13
"Mayday,Mayday,Mayday this is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over"
"Mayday this is Solent Coastguard. Can you give me your position sir, over"
"Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I'm a director in a small engineering company, over"
Sailing Jokes -14
A new coast guard trainee is left alone on watch for the first time. Before leaving him to go get a beer, the watch chief said "I won't be long. Just remember to use english when talking to the ships. Easy".
"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!"
"Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is ***burg coast guard. I have received your message."
After a couple of minutes:
"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!"
Goast guard trainee replies:
"Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is ***burg coast guard. I have received your message."
"***burg coast guard! This is sailing yacht Seagoon again! We are SINKING!! Do you understand? WE ARE SINKING!! DO SOMETHING!!"
"Err yes, sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is ***burg coast guard. What you are sinking about pleez?"
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